The last stage of the disconnect is built on a foundation of unmetexpectations, promisesmadeandbroken, and wordssaidinanger. For this discussion, let’s accept that those behaviors have now become habit instead of a rare occurrence and that there has been no acceptance of responsibility and no reconciliation.
Since promisesmadeandbroken are never your fault, someone else is always responsible. It’s always someone else’s fault – your job, your parents, or even the government. But at this point you may have deluded yourself into believing it’s all your partner’s fault. You are the victim. Without accepting your mistakes as your own, change is nearly impossible. Bad behaviors are repeated again and again. Promises made and broken become the expectation in the relationship.
Because it takes promises made and fulfilled to build trust, at this point in the disconnect, there is no trust. The foundation is crumbling all around you. Think of the picture of the connected hands, all fingers intertwined. In all the other stages the hands still touch, even though they are moving apart, they are still connected. But not at this stage. The longer the relationship resides in this sad state, the less chance of reconnection.
Wordssaidinanger but never followed by a sincere apology deepen the disconnect. I didn’t call the promise broken by chance. Broken denotes that it could take a significant effort to repair. Also realize that all broken promises don’t have the same impact or leave the same scar. “Sorry I’m late for dinner. I promised I would call but I just forgot. It’s my fault. Sorry”. Yes, it’s a broken promise but forgivable and connection can be repaired.
Let me share something with you and maybe you can help me see this a different way. I always struggle with connection between forgiving and forgetting. I believe I am able to forgive, but I must be honest, I never forget. So what if forgiving must be coupled with forgetting, does that mean I am incapable of forgiving? Let’s talk about that more at a later date and I promise I will be responsible for scheduling that discussion. Now back to the disconnect.
Wordssaidinanger not followed by a sincere apology deepen the disconnect. When this behavior becomes more frequent, a new evil might appear, passive aggressive behavior. The passive aggressive person expresses their anger by cloaking it in a veil of acceptance. They rarely say what they really feel. The behavior can manifest itself in words or actions.
In many ways, passive aggressive behavior is more destructive than voicing anger directly. I saw a term once that fits this person perfectly: Afraid to Rage. No open warfare here, but casualties by subterfuge causing the divide to get wider.
But what about other broken promises? What about infidelity? What about abuse? What about behaviors that endanger the whole family? What about the words, “I never loved you?” Some behaviors create scars that can’t be healed. With the continuation of these damaging behaviors trust is just a word and not a behavior. Trust is the glue that holds it all together. All broken promises hurt, but some hurts are repairable and some just are not. You can’t always find all of Humpty Dumpty’s pieces, much less put them back together.
Now I’m going to get myself in trouble. Should I apologize ahead of time? We will see. I look at fidelity in two different ways, but with a commonality. Fidelity is a promise. Wikipedia says “Fidelity is the quality of faithfulness or loyalty.” So, fidelity is the promise of faithfulness. Companies expect fidelity from their employees and try to assure there is no misunderstanding by requiring a signed legal contract stating the acts that would constitute infidelity.
When we marry, we sign a document as well, but more important we verbally promise this fidelity. We traditionally call it a vow. To me, a vow is a promise of higher order, similar to an oath but slightly different. In old England if I were a Knight, I would swear allegiance to the King. I would take an oath. I would vow to defend the Crown. If I were a Monk during that same time, I would make my vows. This would be a transaction between the monk and God. The fidelity promise is a solemn vow to fulfill your commitment. So, of all the promises broken, this can be one of the hardest from which to recover. A promise made in front of man and God.
What about abuse? It comes in all forms – physical, verbal and emotional. It can be physical, causing injury or emotional leaving even deeper scars. I must admit to you that this behavior is one I cannot understand and probably would struggle to forgive. Many times the victim believes it is somehow their fault. They think they have brought the abuse on to themselves. This is not true. Get out and get help – right now.
Am I saying if the relationship has become this divided that there is no way back? No. Never say never. But the way back takes major commitments on both sides. It may also take significant concessions from both partners. In most cases when the disconnect is this complete, only a professional can help the couple repair the damage.
Something to remember at this point is from one of my earlier blogs, the impact of time. The longer you allow the complete disconnect to occur, the less chance there is of a reconnection. Start repairing it now.
How do you reconnect after this? Maybe you don’t. But maybe there’s just one more chance. In the worst of all situations there’s always hope. Don’t be passive aggressive, say what you are feeling. When you make a mistake, own it, and then apologize quickly and sincerely. After you apologize, change your ways, discontinue the toxic behavior. This is your new mantra: Right Thoughts, Right Words, Right Actions. Practice fidelity in all things. Don’t suffer any type of abuse.
Next week’s post, The Luck Connection asks, “How can a dime change your life?”