Once you’ve felt the magic of love, it is something you’ll always remember.The rush of the touch. A kiss that never ends. The fever. Even the fear. It is the connection that only love can bring. Each partner giving all, but receiving more. Every time feeling like the first time. Running to the same place together and sharing the destination. Dying, but being born again. Swimming in a sea of soft words that only lovers know. Falling asleep in that wet tangle of bodies and waking with all the rough edges of the world polished smooth. It’s what we want, but often times we don’t find it and we don’t know why.

Sounds great doesn’t it. As the words I just wrote left my mind and flowed through my fingers to the page they were so real I had to stop typing and walk away just to cool off. If that kind of passion is intoxicating, I want to be drunk with it all the time.

If this is the drug we all want, the rush we crave, then what the hell happens? To understand the end we must go back to the beginning. Dating is a word from my generation. Today I think they call it hanging out. What do you do when you’re dating or hanging out? You find someone who has the same interests. Someone who likes the same things. Someone who is pleasing to look at and fun to talk to.

It might start as friendship or maybe lust, but it starts. How do you keep it going and growing? You feed the fire. You tell her how great she looked when you picked her up. But you just didn’t say  ‘you look great.’ That’s not enough. You wanted her to know how special she is so you said this instead,  “You look so great,  I’m not sure I want to go to the movies tonight. I don’t want to share you with anyone else.”

Too much, maybe, but you get the point. If she really cares about you then she wants to be beautiful in your eyes. If he really cares about you, he wants to be strong and capable in your eyes. If your words and actions tell her she’s beautiful and desirable, then she will be.       If your words and actions tell him he’s a giant in your eyes, he will be.

But if her beauty is defined by how the world sees her, then she’s the wrong partner and you will never be the center of her world.

We know the world can be very cruel. When worldly beauty fades, the eyes of those strangers will turn away and search for beauty in someone else. The same is true for his confidence and self worth.

Relationships are like clay. We mold them by our touch and define them by our words. Then we live with what we have created. Does she get tired of hearing how pretty she is or how much you want her touch? I don’t think so. Ladies, am I wrong? Men, you better listen. If you stop telling her that she’s beautiful and desirable will you lose her? Maybe not, but you will lose the magic and it’s the magic that makes it all work.

What happened? You stopped dating. When you were dating, did you surprise her with little gifts? Probably. Flowers, candy or even better, something unique that she could not have guessed. How about tickets to the concert she thought was sold out.

It might even have been her favorite band and not yours. Now that’s a real selfless gift. But was it really selfless? I don’t think so. What did you get in return? You kept the magic alive. 

Remember when you left notes stuck under the wipers on her car, or you dropped clues to where that night’s date would be? You were deliciously unpredictable and that was part of your charm. Ladies, when was the last time you wrote I Love You with lipstick on the bathroom mirror?

If I told you what my wife secretly put in my suitcase, for me to find when I was out of town, it would make you blush. Or would it make you envious? Keep fanning the flame and the fire will never go out.

If the flames have gone out in your relationship, do you know what happened?

You stopped dating. In an earlier blog I wrote about fidelity. The magic may temporarily lost, but if the fidelity is not broken, then even the coldest embers can be reignited.  A friend of mine once said, “Even the sex in my marriage has lost its magic.” I think sex is the destination of a wonderful journey and is a precious gift that lovers give each other. When it becomes less than that, it’s because we’ve focused on the destination instead of the journey. Don’t let that happen to your relationship.  Don’t stop dating.

When you realized that she was the girl, you thought about how you could win her. What did that look like? You probably kept looking your best and did the things that made her smile. You said the right words and followed up with the right actions. But more than words, you were a good listener. One of the biggest reasons women have girlfriends is that girlfriends know how to listen. When did you stop listening? Was it about the same time that the magic began to fade?  Then it’s time to start doing the things that helped convince her to make that commitment to you. Never stop winning her. Never stop dating.

What about her friends and your friends?

Never allow these so-called friends to criticize her in your presence. If they don’t support your relationship they are not real friends anyway. Let them go.

The passion that comes with real love can make your life amazing. But, it will not flourish without attention. Keep the magic alive.  Never stop dating!

Steve Haberly