Once you’ve felt the magic of love, it is something you’ll always remember.The rush of the touch. A kiss that never ends. The fever. Even the fear. It is the connection that only love can bring. Each partner giving all, but receiving more. Every time feeling like the first time. Running to the same place together and sharing the destination. Dying, but being born again. Swimming in a sea of soft words that only lovers know. Falling asleep in that wet tangle of bodies and waking with all the rough edges of the world polished smooth. It’s what we want, but often times we don’t find it and we don’t know why.
Sounds great doesn’t it. As the words I just wrote left my mind and flowed through my fingers to the page they were so real I had to stop typing and walk away just to cool off. If that kind of passion is intoxicating, I want to be drunk with it all the time.
If this is the drug we all want, the rush we crave, then what the hell happens? To understand the end we must go back to the beginning. Dating is a word from my generation. Today I think they call it hanging out. What do you do when you’re dating or hanging out? You find someone who has the same interests. Someone who likes the same things. Someone who is pleasing to look at and fun to talk to.
It might start as friendship or maybe lust, but it starts. How do you keep it going and growing? You feed the fire. You tell her how great she looked when you picked her up. But you just didn’t say ‘you look great.’ That’s not enough. You wanted her to know how special she is so you said this instead, “You look so great, I’m not sure I want to go to the movies tonight. I don’t want to share you with anyone else.”
Too much, maybe, but you get the point. If she really cares about you then she wants to be beautiful in your eyes. If he really cares about you, he wants to be strong and capable in your eyes. If your words and actions tell her she’s beautiful and desirable, then she will be. If your words and actions tell him he’s a giant in your eyes, he will be.
But if her beauty is defined by how the world sees her, then she’s the wrong partner and you will never be the center of her world.
We know the world can be very cruel. When worldly beauty fades, the eyes of those strangers will turn away and search for beauty in someone else. The same is true for his confidence and self worth.
Relationships are like clay. We mold them by our touch and define them by our words. Then we live with what we have created. Does she get tired of hearing how pretty she is or how much you want her touch? I don’t think so. Ladies, am I wrong? Men, you better listen. If you stop telling her that she’s beautiful and desirable will you lose her? Maybe not, but you will lose the magic and it’s the magic that makes it all work.
What happened? You stopped dating. When you were dating, did you surprise her with little gifts? Probably. Flowers, candy or even better, something unique that she could not have guessed. How about tickets to the concert she thought was sold out.
It might even have been her favorite band and not yours. Now that’s a real selfless gift. But was it really selfless? I don’t think so. What did you get in return? You kept the magic alive.
Remember when you left notes stuck under the wipers on her car, or you dropped clues to where that night’s date would be? You were deliciously unpredictable and that was part of your charm. Ladies, when was the last time you wrote ILoveYou with lipstick on the bathroom mirror?
If I told you what my wife secretly put in my suitcase, for me to find when I was out of town, it would make you blush. Or would it make you envious? Keep fanning the flame and the fire will never go out.
If the flames have gone out in your relationship, do you know what happened?
You stopped dating. In an earlier blog I wrote about fidelity. The magic may temporarily lost, but if the fidelity is not broken, then even the coldest embers can be reignited. A friend of mine once said, “Even the sex in my marriage has lost its magic.” I think sex is the destination of a wonderful journey and is a precious gift that lovers give each other. When it becomes less than that, it’s because we’ve focused on the destination instead of the journey. Don’t let that happen to your relationship. Don’t stop dating.
When you realized that she was the girl, you thought about how you could win her. What did that look like? You probably kept looking your best and did the things that made her smile. You said the right words and followed up with the right actions. But more than words, you were a good listener. One of the biggest reasons women have girlfriends is that girlfriends know how to listen. When did you stop listening? Was it about the same time that the magic began to fade? Then it’s time to start doing the things that helped convince her to make that commitment to you. Never stop winning her. Never stop dating.
What about her friends and your friends?
Never allow these so-called friends to criticize her in your presence. If they don’t support your relationship they are not real friends anyway. Let them go.
The passion that comes with real love can make your life amazing. But, it will not flourish without attention. Keep the magic alive. Never stop dating!
How can I hope to explain, in only a few words, what might be the most powerful force in world? It’s a huge topic. In many ways you might say it’s the Holy Grail of subjects. It’s what we all search for, love and passion. But maybe the real issue isn’t love but passion. Are they the same? I don’t think so. Love seems selfless and has a giving nature while passion is often selfish and all about taking. But without passion is real love even possible? Maybe not. But let’s deal with these one at a time.
PsychologyToday talks about the different types of love. The first is Eros or passionatelove. You can also think of this as romantic love. It’s a madness that comes over us and carries us away, but can also cause need and dependency.
The second is Philia, commonly called brotherly love; a relationship based on trust, dependability, and friendship. PsychologyToday mentions that Philia, born from Eros, in turn feeds back to Eros, strengthening each. Friends are able to live fuller lives by teaching and supporting each other.
It’s been proven that most relationships start with physical attraction.
First, a glance, then some words and next a touch. But we often mistake this Eros love for the kind that lasts. I believe without Philia love, Eros will fade and might not come back. So we chase it from partner to partner.
We light the fire, it warms that part inside that yearns for someone to fill our emptiness. The flames are so bright that we’re sure it’s eternal, but alas, it’s not. Is it our fault or maybe our partner’s fault? We’re not sure who’s to blame, but we know it’s gone. Physical love is only temporary, but maybe it can be made permanent if you understand the secret. If I tell you the secret, it won’t be a secret, now will it? But I guess it could be our secret. So if you promise not to tell, I’ll share it with just you.
Erotic or physical love burns so hot that no fuel can keep it burning at such intensity. It bursts into flame, has its moment and then dies back to embers. In fact, if that intensity continued we would all be devoured by the fire, left as ash to be swept away by time. So how can this magic, that is so temporary, be rekindled? Although the flame may die down but the glow from the embers can last forever, if fanned from time to time. To have the opportunity to rekindle the flame, love based on friendship must reside.
Let’s talk about friendship and why it’s the glue that holds the relationship together and allows the fire to burn again. Friendship is all about trust. Trust creates the foundation from which embers can again become an inferno.
If friendship requires trust, then building and maintaining trust is necessary for passion to return. Trust is built as promises are made and kept, not just big promises but ALL promises. Each promise made, and kept, goes in the trust bank account and as the bank account builds, trust deepens and the friendship is built. But remember, trust is not given, it’s earned. Something that is given can come quickly, but that which is earned is built over time.
A relationship built slowly one brick at a time, one promise at a time, can withstand the storms that will surely come. A relationship built too quickly may not weather even the first winds that life can deliver. A relationship built on trust and fashioned over time into a solid foundation becomes the platform on which to build a lifetime of passion.
Passionate love is like walking on the high wire; exhilarating but frightening at the same time. There is danger but there’s also an amazing rush; a pounding of your heart and a quickening of your breathing but don’t fear, your friendship is your safety net.
Lovers that aren’t friends are like leafs on a tree. For most trees, they’re only temporary. They look beautiful but when the season is done, they are gone.
Think of it this way. The flames burn bright but die to a glowing ember. Trust allows you to protect the ember and gives you the foundation to fan the flame again. In great relationships this happens again and again and again. Passionate love is temporary but returns again as trust is rewarded with passion. A lasting relationship needs to be built on a foundation of trust and friendship.
Lovers are usually focused on their own satisfaction but the explosion that comes with passionatelove is something we all want and desire. On the other hand, true friends are focused on the needs and wants of their friend. It would seem to be a perfect combination. A loving couple who can combine the fire that comes from passion with the caring, giving nature of their friendship has themagic. They provide a safe place from which to experience passionatelove. A place where each person is focused on the pleasure of the other. A tight wire with a safety net.
That’s why I am absolutely convinced that lovers who have and keep themagic also have a strong friendship as their foundation.
In my last blog I promised the next one would deal with Just a little more Passion. I started it but then I erased it. Several times. I must be honest, there is nothing more important in my life than to live every day with passion, but putting down my feelings on paper was difficult. More difficult than I had imagined.
I believe life without passion is a chocolate chip cookie without the chips, an Oreo cookie without the filling or Simon without Garfunkel. Life without passion just leaves you hungry. So, if you will allow me, I’ll deal with my addiction to passion in a future blog. I’ll talk about how to find passion or even how to rekindle it when you think the flame is out. That topic is coming, I promise, but not this time and not this blog. I’ll save that for later. So for now I want to talk to you about happiness. Just a little more Happiness.
After reading past blogs on Just a little More, you have learned how to achieve greater success both personally and professionally. You know that eating right and implementing an exercise program can improve your health. Now that you have the knowledge to be wealthier, healthier and more successful, shouldn’t that mean happiness is easier to find? Maybe not.
If you are wealthy but aren’t happy, your money brings you no joy and with it you do no good for yourself or anyone else.
If you are successful but not happy, your success brings you no pride or pleasure.
If you are healthy but have no joy, your health is wasted, as you take no advantage to build a wonderful life.
But if you have discovered the secret to happiness, then even the smallest accomplishment brings joy and that joy lifts the lives of those around you.
I attended an interesting seminar a few years ago that focused on happiness. The professor, Dr. Crum, listed some things she felt were critical to achieving happiness. Here are a few and I’ve added my own:
🚩Live in the present
🚩Live with a purpose
🚩 Live with passion
I will delve into each of these topics in a separate blog. When thinking about the first objective, we really only have three distinct possibilities:
♦️Live in the Present
♦️ Live in the Past
♦️ Live in the Future
THE PRESENT
Being in the present means focusing on what is happening right now. It means appreciating the opportunities you are offered every day. But, it also means accomplishing those tasks that are in front of you, today.
What can keep you from focusing on the important tasks that must be done today?
Distractions . There are so many distractions that it’s a wonder we ever get anything done. You have to tune out the distractions and focus.
Remember, trying to find your favorite station on the radio you had as a child? When you were not quite on the station what did you get? Static! It was constant noise until you found the perfect frequency and then and only then did the voice come through loud and clear. Learn to tune out the noise in your life.
Other distractions include: Toxic people, tune them out. Negative people, tune them out. Complaining people, tune them out. Whining people, tune them out. You can only focus on the present if you tune out the distractions.
THE PAST
Some people spend their whole life lamenting times gone by. They carry the mark of their past mistakes like a scarlet letter. They’re regrets hang like a weight around their neck that makes lifting their head so difficult they rarely see what’s right in front of them.
Some would refer to this as The Ghosts of the Past. Ghosts that haunt us, follow us and influence how we see the world. However, the past can have a positive effect, if we allow it. The past is there to teach us and I believe that it’s the only real purpose. I believe guilt is only there to remind us of what we have learned, so we don’t go that way again. Living in the past is a waste of the gift of the present. You can never be truly happy living in the past. What has been, has been. Let it go! Move on. Let the Ghosts haunt someone else.
THE FUTURE
The other possibility is to live only in the Future. Living for what might be. Thinking that happiness is just around the corner. Waiting for your share of the prize or your share of the punishment, both are life lost. What might be, might be. That’s true. But hoping to be happy or worrying about being sad has very little value in a life that is short anyway. Some would call this The Goblins of the Future. The future is largely unknown to us and worrying about what might happen only punishes us twice. Worrying about the future and regretting the past can cause us to overlook The Gift of the Present. We have to learn to be. You create your own present by what you give your attention to today.
Here’s another of looking at how to be HAPPY. We create whatever we think about most. This is at the core of how I live my life. It is our gift and our curse.
Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, your values become your destiny.
– Mahatma Gandhi
Years ago I heard an old Indian legend about two wolves. You may remember it from the movie Tomorrowland. There are two wolves that are always fighting.
One is darkness and despair.
The other is light and hope.
Which wolf wins?
The one you feed. Feed the right wolf and focus your energy and positive thoughts on the gift of today, the present.
Steve Haberly
In my next blog I will focus on the happiness that comes from living life with a purpose.
Learn the secrets to achieving Just a little more Success in your life.
I had a friend once that told me he felt stuck. He had been in his current job for 5 years and his performance had never been more than average. That could also be said for his compensation. When he joined the company the sales job looked really exciting and the compensation seemed unlimited. Others around him were progressing nicely in both title and money, but not my friend. He wasn’t the type to judge his success by his pay, but it would sure be nice if he could earn Just a little more Wealth. He thought he might be more successful if his manager spent a little more time with him or if the products were a little more unique, or if the customers were a little more accepting. Before achieving success he needed to take responsibility and quit blaming others for his mediocre results. One day I was in his office, peering over his shoulder as he examined a spreadsheet. After a few minutes, I asked, “What are you looking at?”
“Another month of average sales numbers.”
“Are you happy with those results?”
“Not really.”
“What do you want?”
He thought for a moment and said, “I want to be more successful. I want to feel like I’m getting somewhere. I need help, how can I achieve Just a little more Success?”
Since my friend was willing and ready to learn, I began talking to him about how to achieve his goal. Setting goals is a good first step in achieving success. But make sure goals are really goals, and not merely wishes. Let me tell you what my mother told me when I was a kid. “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.” At my young age, I’m not sure I really understood the significance of what that meant. Now I realize that setting a realistic goal is the cornerstone of success.
The other thing she often said was a little more confusing. “If frogs carried guns they wouldn’t be afraid of snakes.” I’m a lot older now, and I hope much wiser, but I’m still unsure about the frogs and the snakes saying!
The goal of being more successful isn’t specific enough to be a good objective. Your goals should focus on the most important things. Having too many goals dilutes your attention. Divided attention means divided success. A goal needs to be stated clearly, and be achievable. A clear goal that is measurable and has a time limit is a good start toward achieving positive results. Make sure you understand the goal and then measure your progress by keeping score. Comparing last year’s new accounts or commissions to the current year’s numbers does measures progress, but it is not enough. There are critical behaviors that are the building blocks of your desired outcome. Focus on those critical behaviors and keep score of your improvement. If you do more of the right things, you will get more of the right results. I’ve found the thing most people fear is the unknown. We know a lot about the past. The past is the past and it has one purpose: to learn from. It can be a heavy weight to carry, but can be valuable if we learn from our past mistakes. The next step is to let go of the past. Learn and then move on. We know a little about the present. The present is the moment in which we are living. Cherish every moment for we don’t pass this way again. But what do we know about the future? The future is right around the corner and just over the hill. We can’t control it and we don’t know what it holds. We fear that which is unseen.
If you want some control of the future, you need to have a plan. The plan should contain your goal, the strategy to achieve that goal and the actions to be implemented. Each action should move you closer to your goal. Think of it like steps on a stairway that lead to the top.
Maybe if the frog had a plan, he wouldn’t have needed a gun to defend himself against the snakes!
What would you do today if you knew you couldn’t fail? That is a challenging thought that most people don’t consider. For those that do start with a plan but fail, it’s because their plan is never fully executed. A plan without the actions necessary to support the strategy always fails.
Success takes goal setting, planning and implementation, but it also takes one more thing. Attitude. A true American success story, Zig Ziglar often said, “Your attitude, not your aptitude, controls your altitude.” Before others will believe in you, you have to believe in yourself. If you want to be more successful, act like someone who has achieved success. People like winners.
How to achieve Just a little more Success:
Take responsibility for your actions and their outcomes. Making an excuse gives you a free ticket to fail. It is the drug of underachievers.
Control the future by making a plan that focuses on the important things.
Set goals that are reasonable, achievable, and time sensitive.
Implement the plan and execute the actions that support the strategy.
Keep score to measure progress.
Believe to achieve. Find out how winners act and do just that. In other words, be the hero your dog thinks you are.
Next week I will focus on how to have Just a little more Passion. Don’t miss it!
Steve Haberly
Epilogue: The first component, taking responsibility for your actions, will be thoroughly discussed in a future blog called No Excuses.
Some of the richest men I’ve ever known never really enjoyed the full measure of their wealth. They worked really hard and pushed their minds and bodies to the limit. They had reached a point in life where their poor health, not money, was the limiting factor. Money means nothing in the end without good health.
At some point in life we all realize that health is everything. But what’s good health? This is what the World Health Organization says, “Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.”
Are any of us ever as healthy as we would hope to be? I think not. I remember a good friend of mine saying, “I just wish I felt better. I want to play the sports I always enjoyed. I wish I was healthier instead of wealthier. In fact, I would trade wealthier for healthier in a heart beat.”
Here’s some disturbing statistics on poor health in the United States.
* Coronary Heart Disease (12.6 million)
* Heart Disease kills one person every 30 secs
* Heart Attack (1.1 million)
* Diabetes (17 million)
* High Blood Pressure (50 million)
* Obesity (50 million)
Frightening, isn’t it? I hate to put it this way, but we are all SICK.
Albert Einstein once said, “Nothing happens until something moves.”
Most people lead a very sedentary life. Even though research has proven that regular exercise adds six healthy years to your life.
* 1 out of 4 people don’t exercise at all
* 3 out of 4 people exercise less than five hours per week
So what do we do? Here are two possible solutions: regular exercise and eat right.
Okay, so what would regular exercise look like? Warm up by stretching to increase flexibility. Run, walk, bike, hike or swim 30 minutes a day for cardio or 2 to 3 times per week if you are older. Strength Training 2 to 3 times each week (but remember, your body needs 48 hours to recover.)
But how do we eat right? First we need to accept this fact, we are what we eat.
A basic rule: if the item didn’t exist in the 1800’s, it probably isn’t really food. It’s JUNK.
Eat the right way
* Eat slow
* Eat small portions
* No second helpings
* No unhealthy snacks
Eat the Right Things
– Spinach
– Yogurt
– Tomatoes
– Carrots
– Blueberries
– Blackberries
– Walnuts
5 rules to live by to get Just a Little More Health.
Eat right: fruits, vegetables, fiber. Nothing tastes as good as healthy feels!
Get moving: stretch and exercise 30 minutes every day. Enjoy the rush.
Don’t smoke. Don’t poison your body.
Wear sunscreen. Don’t destroy your skin.
Manage stress. Don’t worry so much.
But the most important thing is to develop a plan. Get started right now, and before long you will achieve Just a Little More Health.
Steve Haberly
After reading the this and the previous blog , you now know how to get Just a little more Money and Just a little more Health.
Next week, learn how to get Just a little more..Success…in your business. After that, don’t miss Just a little more Passion and then Just a little more Time. They are life changers!
It’s what we all want, just a little more. Today I’ll show you how a coffee, an apple, and a cigarette will help you get just a little more Wealth.
A few years ago I had a customer that influenced my life with his philosophy on money. Realize, I grew up in a conservative family that only had one credit card and it was from Sears and Roebuck. We used it to buy my clothes at the beginning of the new school year. I got two pairs of Levy jeans, a pair of sneakers, one or two shirts, plus socks and underwear. My mother also sewed a few shirts for me. She was the type of woman who would also wash out zip lock bags and reuse them. As a family, we had enough, but not more. I grew up thankful for what I had and not really focused on having more.
Back to my customer. He showed me another way to look at things. I must admit, it seemed very foreign to me at the time. One day, he and I were talking about money and wealth. It was obvious he had achieved a level of affluence, nice home, fine cars and all the trappings. When I asked him, “How much money is enough?” He said “Just a little more”. Just a little more, what an interesting thought. He also believed money was the driving force that makes the world work.
Over the years, that concept of just a little more has come into play again and again. It can influence our lives in both good and bad ways. It’s the driving force for continuous improvement in everything from space exploration to pharmaceuticals. So, is good ever good enough? Fast ever fast enough? Is effective ever effective enough? What we want in almost every part of our life is just a little more. In the next few blogs, I’ll be addressing how to get just a little more health, success, love, and life, but for now I will focus on just a little more money.
In some countries a measure of a person’s success is calculated by the number of languages they can speak. In other countries it is the amount of land they own, and in others it’s the level of education. But in this country, the United States of America, most people would agree that the measurement of success is money. I believe that’s unfortunate but for the most part, true. The wealth in America varies widely from none to much. Let me give you some data and some examples:
U.S. poverty level $22,350
Average family income $49,777
Top 10% earn $93,000 or more
51.2% have no retirement savings
44% of households have credit card debt
Average credit card debt $14,743
People spend 47% more money when buying with a credit card than with cash
47% live pay check to pay check
More Americans will file for bankruptcy this year than will get a college degree
Consumer debt is over $2,500,000,000
Who Pays the Taxes?
Top .01% pay 33% of the taxes
Top 25% pay 82% of the taxes
Top 50% pay 96% of the taxes
The 10 wealthiest Congressman, who have more than $3,000,000,000 in net worth, all voted to keep the Bush tax cut (three were Republicans and seven were Democrats)
Who’s making the money?
Secretary: $30,000
High School Teacher: $43,000
Construction Worker: $70,660
Attorney: $76,610
Senior Chemical Engineer: $88,510
Family Doctor: $143,615
So the money isn’t spread evenly, nor in my opinion, should it be. I believe in pay for performance. A person’s income should reflect their impact on the good they do. If my theory were implemented, good teachers would make as much as good doctors. Why not? Look at the impact. I don’t want to use this particular blog post to preach about inequity in compensation. Instead I want to make you a wager.
If I were to ask my doctor, my attorney, a teacher I know and a secretary in our office, “How much money is enough?” Not one would say they have all the money they need or want. I wager they would say instead, “Just a little more, I could use just a little bit more.”
So maybe the question is: “How can I make more money?” I have some opinions I will share with you in a later blog, but for now I want to pose another way to look at money. Is making more the same thing as having more? I don’t think so. I think what you have left to save or invest to better your life is far more important than what you make. If I’ve peaked your interest, than let’s talk about having more. I believe the easiest way to have more is to SPEND LESS. Let me give you a plan to financial independence
Step 1 Latte Parley
One of the most successful companies in the world sells gourmet coffee. This company has amazing brand recognition and sells premium coffee at a premium price. Instead of buying a Venti Latte every day for 30 years, you decide to invest that money. At the end of 30 years that investment would be worth over $225,000. A
nice start but there’s more.
Step 2 Apple a Day Swap
We all enjoy a nice lunch, but in most cases we spend too much money on lunch and don’t usually eat a healthy lunch anyway. Instead of buying that expensive lunch let’s switch to an apple for lunch and invest our lunch money. At the end of 30 years that investment would be worth over $300,000.
Step 3 Reefer Madness
It’s unfortunate, but approximately 15% of the American population and 30% of the world population continues to smoke cigarettes. The impact on health is huge and results in nearly 500,000 deaths in America every year. What if you stopped smoking and invested that money? At the end of 30 years that investment would be worth over $275,000.
The total impact of these three life style changes would be a savings account worth over $800,000. If you invested that at 8%, the result would be an annual income of $64,000 per year for the rest of your life. You would be wealthier and healthier.
Another real life example: an administrative assistant invests 10% of their gross income every month into an investment account. This account is partially matched by the company or even the government in some situations. In 30 years, at historical earning levels, that investment is worth $1,000,000.
You can’t always affect your income quickly, but you can start spending less and saving more right now. What are you waiting for?
Take control ➡ Pay yourself first ➡ Start saving now ➡ Enjoy having just a little more money.
Steve Haberly
Next blog will reveal how to have Just a little more Health.
Through the presidential primaries and even after the election was decided, I heard that small business in America was the driving force for new jobs. That’s so important because I believe that the answer to most problems in our country is jobs. Pure and simple. People who have jobs that allow them to support their families don’t have time to riot in the streets, break store windows and get pushed back by water cannons. Without jobs, the masses see no future. No way up or even out. Jobs bring pride in accomplishment. Hard work, whether mental or physical, can provide an outlet for creativity and invention. I believe most people want to work, but when there are no jobs, people are easily swayed and manipulated. In America we need more GOOD jobs.
So, back to small business. Can they bring more jobs? Sure they can. Could they create enough jobs to pull the economy up by its bootstraps? Maybe. Here’s what the SBA states:
⚪ 28 million small businesses in America account for 54% of all U.S. sales.
⚪Small businesses provide 55% of all jobs, and 66% of all net new jobs since the 1970’s.
⚪ 600,000 franchised small businesses in the U.S. account for 40% of all retail sales.
But percentages can be deceiving. What about the number of new jobs? Ok. Let’s look. Since 1990, big business eliminated 4,000,000 jobs while small business added 8,000,000 new jobs. So, great work small businesses, we owe you a lot. But creating enough new jobs is like moving a mountain and will take a partnership between big and small business.
Looking back in history, we see that the Ottomans came up with a unique strategy when faced with sailing past the big cannons at Constantinople. They took their ships out of the water, pulling them on the shore using logs and ropes. This got them safely out of reach of the big guns. Every man, woman and child had to pull their weight. It took a total effort with no time to rest.
That’s what it will take in this country. America the beautiful. America the brave. America the strong. So grab the rope. Do what you can, and of this nation speak no ill. The future is what we make it, bright or dark. Words aren’t enough to pull this ship, called America, across the land and out of cannon fire. GRAB THE ROPE. IT’S OUR JOB TO KEEP AMERICA GREAT. Yes, I believe small business can add jobs, but they can give us more, much more.
It occurs to me that most successful small businesses have several things in common. This is at least true of the ones I have been fortunate to work with. Let me show you the common characteristics.
Honesty, sounds simple and is easy to say, but not so easy to find today. Being honest requires making promises and keeping them. This builds trust and trust keeps us going. How much do we trust the big companies we deal with? I think you would find our attitude about big companies much like Ronald Reagan’s thoughts about Arms Control. When speaking to Mikhail Gorbachev, he said “Trust but verify.” Small businesses must rely on their reputation to be successful. No one wants to do business with a company that they think is dishonest.
Small businesses often survive or fail based on repeat business. Repeat business is a product of fair pricing, high quality and follow up. How many times has a big company called you after you bought their product to see if you like it? It does happen, but you must admit, it’s rare. Small businesses have to follow up, because their customers must not only be satisfied, they must be elated.
Next comes integrity. You might say that’s the same as honesty, but let me disagree. In my mind, honesty is making promises and keeping them, walking the talk, and doing what you say. Integrity might go a step further. Integrity means doing more than what you promise. If you begin a task and find there is an alternative that is a better solution, offer that alternative. Look for ways of being better than even the customer expects. Don’t just fix things. Fix them so they don’t break again. Truly understand the needs of the customer and the resources the customer has to fix the problem and then tailor a solution to fit. If there is something better, even if you don’t have that product or service, don’t be afraid to say so. So, integrity is really honesty after it has spanned the test of time and held up against the fires of unjust criticism. When you have honesty, integrity, quality at a fair price and great follow up, you only need one more thing. Hard work.
I’ve discussed honesty and integrity, but what about quality at a fair price? Quality is a lot like value, it’s mostly in the eyes of the customer. Quality could be seen as meeting the expectations of the customer. A quality product might be one that out performs other products in its class or category. High quality might even surpass average or normal expectations since its performance is critical to support the product or service produced or offered by the customer.
That leaves follow up. If you don’t follow up with your customers, how will you know if they’re elated or not? Follow up gives you the feedback necessary to make adjustments to your service or product to improve and retain that customer. It closes the circle of continuous improvement. If you underperform and your follow up either doesn’t occur or takes too long, the laws of disconnect engage and your lost business will increase. Also, without follow up, you won’t know why things aren’t going so well. So there’s a good chance you’ll blame it on some easy target like the global economy or unfair competition. The fact is you just missed the target.
What’s a fair price? A book could be written about fair pricing, in fact many books. But here’s a simple way I look at it. A fair price is one when the price of your product or service matches the value that it brings to the customer and the quality meets expectations. But you also must look at it another way. A fair price is one that allows the provider of the product or service to make a reasonable profit. If you don’t price to make a profit you will be out of business and no longer able to provide that quality product or service. In this case, everyone loses. As a business it is your responsibility to run your business in a profitable manner.
In a small business if you are honest, have integrity, good follow up, and work really hard, you get to eat that week. If you forget one of those attributes, you might go hungry.
So,why are small businesses the canary in the coal mine? When mining for coal, miners could be exposed to dangerous gases such as carbon monoxide. They would carry a cage containing a canary down into the tunnels. The canary was much more sensitive to the gases then were the miners. If the canaries started to die, the miners would evacuate the tunnel to safety. The canaries were an early warning of eminent danger. Small businesses are this canary. If they fail, it means that one or more of these critical attributes are missing or lost. If it’s missing here don’t you also think it might be missing in big business as well? This trend has me concerned and you should be concerned too. When the canaries are getting sick and dying, the miners aren’t far behind.
Here’s my simple formula: Perform honestly, act with integrity, deliver quality, price reasonably, and follow up to make sure the customer is completely satisfied. I believe the young people of today will punish those companies that don’t heed this simple formula.
Steve Haberly
In my next blog I’ll share with you some of the small businesses that I’ve dealt with that are great examples of these principles.
About 10 years ago, I got a device that has changed my business and personal life, and not necessarily for the best. It was a BlackBerry cell phone. As I carried it in a holster that clipped over my belt, I suddenly felt armed and dangerous. I was connected 24/7 and somehow thought this would make me more productive. And maybe it did, in some ways.
I remember one evening when the impact of my new device showed its ugly head. I was at dinner with my wife. It wasn’t a special occasion, but as I’ve told her many times, any evening with her is special. We sat outside, under a clear Texas sky at a local restaurant, and as our drinks arrived she asked, “Would you like to be alone with your BlackBerry?” I was stunned realizing I had been so busy responding to emails that I hadn’t really noticed her, or the new dress she wore just for tonight. I turned off the phone and gave it her to put in her purse. I told her I was surprised, but also embarrassed to find myself so distracted in that way. I’d like to tell you that I learned my lesson and this never happened again, but bad behavior has a way of resurfacing.
Let me circle back to my first sentence, “It changed my business.” Before smart phones, the business worked like this: a customer or employee would call and if they couldn’t reach me they could call the office and leave a message for me to return their call. 95% of the messages were not an emergency and asked that I call back at my earliest convenience. I would look at the international origin of the call and plan my return call accordingly. If it was an emergency, I would return the call immediately no matter what the time difference.
Those days are gone. Since my business is global, I get emails, texts and messages 24 hours a day and often the expected response time is NOW. However, the business itself hasn’t changed that much. 95% of the problems are still not urgent and could easily be handled the next day. The business may not have changed but the expectations of the customers and employees has changed significantly. The expected return response from me is immediate. Casual has been raised to important and important to urgent. What was excellent response time is now expected. So, is my job more productive? I’m really not convinced it is. Am I working harder than before? Absolutely. Harder, but not better. Not a very good trade.
We visited the island of Koh Somui after a business trip to Bangkok. It is off the eastern coast of Thailand and has beautiful beaches and wonderful people. After dinner, Debby and I walked down the beach to a club where people sit on big pillows on the sand and enjoy island drinks. Listening to the waves and the music under a starry sky was truly romantic. This is what we saw.
But not everyone enjoyed the romantic ambiance as we did. A young couple sat on the pillows just in front of us and never looked at the waves, the moon, or the stars. I’m not sure they ever looked at each other. Both were on their smart phones the whole time texting or tweeting or something. This is what they saw.
What happened to soft words of love spoken at just the right moment?
At dinner, just a few nights ago, I watched a couple seated at the table across from us. She was trying to parent their unhappy 6 year old while the dad never looked up from his phone. Present but absent. Any guesses whether that couple was connected or not? She was struggling with her job as a parent while he had electronically taken himself away from that responsibility. What message did that send? To his son it said, “I am not interested in your problems or needs. I have more important things to attend to.” Then, to his wife or partner, “This is your job to parent him and it’s probably your fault he’s misbehaving. If you were a better mother this wouldn’t happen.” What is she thinking, “My parents never approved of you before we got married. They said you wouldn’t be a good father, and maybe they were right. I deserve better.” I wanted to go over, take his phone away and ask him to be a parent. Of course I didn’t. It’s not my monkey. If this problem isn’t my monkey, how come I feel it biting and scratching me?
Any time I see people trade their humaness for electronicness, I feel the uncomfortable sensation of loss. Loss of what you may ask? Loss of the connection that comes with eye contact, speech inflection and body language. Without those things, aren’t we becoming less human? I believe we are. As we lose the nuances of human communication we lose the ability to completely express emotions: love, anger, empathy, concern, desire, joy, etc. When you can’t see my face or hear my words, my intentions can be easily misunderstand.
Steve Bartlett, CEO of Social Chain, is an award winning entrepreneur and speaker. He takes things a step further, believing social media may be making us sick. Take a look.
The passion of the another moment was destroyed by the electronic vehicle I used and its lack of humanness. Debby and I had a very wonderful dinner and evening together. The next day I wanted to tell her how beautiful she looked that night. This is what I intended to text, “Last night you looked so beautiful, you were absolutely delicious.” I misspelled delicious, so the spell check changed the word and the text said this, “Last night you looked so beautiful, you were absolutely deciduous.” Now, those of you that know your tree terminology know that deciduous is a term used for trees that lose their leaves in the winter. Her text back to me said: “I was WHAT?” Love’s moment lost.
I heard a very interesting discussion about Millennials on NPR the other day. There were many parts to the topic, but there was one I found especially interesting. A Fortune 500 company manager was discussing hiring new employees. He made a comment that concerns me, “Millennials just don’t interview well.” I wondered if they were lacking in verbal skills because of social media. Was it possible that their non-verbal skills, like body language, just haven’t developed? Or maybe they can’t express themselves in more than 140 characters followed by an emoji.
Just the other day, a friend was talking about the disconnect he was having with his girlfriend, “She just doesn’t give good text.” Is that what the love connection has come down to, givinggoodtext? I hope not.
Even worse, what about passive-aggressive texts? Take a look at Jimmy Kimmel’s explanation.
Many young people think that electronic connection makes us more connected. I must take exception. In many ways we may be moving toward disconnection or at least a false connection. I have seen people say things to each other while texting that they would never say in person. Does the texting generation, share intimate details on text that they would never say In person? Are they more comfortable texting than talking face to face? Without voice inflection and body language, misunderstanding is common place. We may paint a picture with our words that is totally foreign from who we really are. So what happens when we finally meet this texting partner? It is often disappointment and unmet expectations. If you want to know if your partner is sincere, watch their eyes. The eyes are windows to the soul. Words in a text are not.
I hate to predict the future, but I will just this once. If we continue to hide behind our social media mania and lose our gift of face to face communication, we risk losing any hope of meaningful connection. If you are a baby boomer you probably agree with me. If you are a Millenial and disagree, I challenge you to try this. Turn off your phone, sit down with a friend and have a meaningful face to face conversation. Then, savor the experience of connection.
One of my friends on Facebook voiced a concern that struck a chord with me. In fact, it opened up an area of much discussion recently. My FB friend asked this question, “Is writing a dying art?” First let’s define writing. If writing is pen in hand and ink to paper, maybe in some societies it is a dying art.
Did you know that in many elementary schools they no longer teach cursive writing? That seems crazy to me. Are they saying those children should print their names or even worse, type it on a computer, tablet or smart phone? How will those students be able to read important historical documents if they aren’t familiar with cursive writing.
I think this is a mistake. Typing is too darn fast. There is no time to feel the flow of the words. Good writing should be similar to composing a song or even an opera. It flows. It has a heartbeat all its’ own. I’m just not sure the keyboard understands adagio (at ease) or allegro (lively).
Let me give you another example. I enjoy the game of golf. I don’t play as often as I did in the past but that’s my fault. But I did discover something interesting about my game many years ago. Golf has many things in common with our discussion of writing. When I play the game there is basically two ways I can follow my ball around the course. The first is with an electric cart and the second is on foot. Let me play a hole for you in each method and see if you understand what I mean.
I ride my cart up the tee box and sit until the group before us has teed off. I step out of my cart and take the first few steps carefully, remembering my knees have been bent and now must get ready to carry my weight. The first steps are pretty stiff but things loosen up and now I’m standing on the tee, waiting. Sometimes I feel I spend more time waiting than doing. I guess golf is also a boot camp for patience training.
I take a practice swing and I’m ready. I swing the driver, a little outside, unfortunately, and the ball takes off in a long looping slice into the short rough on the left of the fairway. I’ve done worse. At least it’s hittable. I sit back in the cart and zoom, we’re at my ball in an instant. I not only haven’t analyzed my last sliced shot, I also haven’t a clue about how to hit this shot. I’m there too quick. Do I swing the same? Do I swing different? I don’t have enough time to think and adjust. So I just hit the ball and guess what? It starts out down the middle and fades left, bounces once and rolls into to the pond guarding the left of the fairway. Crud, I hate this game!
Now, rewind please. I carry my clubs from the last tee to the next. I look at the hole while I hold my bag beside me. The fairway is pretty wide but there is an out of bounds on the right. The left has only a short rough. If I hit there, I would still have an open shot to the green and the rough would be easy to hit from.
I aim the drive down the right side, remembering I often slice the ball. The ball hits in the fairway but rolls into the left rough. I can play that. I pick up my clubs and start to walk. I can feel the weight of the bag of clubs on my shoulder. Maybe clubs were lighter when I was younger. That must be it.
As I walk to my ball I see the water guarding the left of the fairway. As I walk, I see my ball and trees to my immediate left. Those won’t come into play. What a beautiful day to be alive and enjoy this game. I suddenly thought, “My worst day of golf was better than my best day at the office.”
As I’m walking, I remember the grass will slow down the head of my club so maybe a 5 iron instead of the 6. I also guessed the grass would cause my club head to open up and maybe increase my fade left. Then I remember not to let my elbow fly away from my body, so my swing might not slice the ball so much. I reach the ball and set up to play the ball down the right side. I strike the ball pretty well with a little better swing than before. The ball fades from right to left and rolls up about a yard short of the green. Not bad! I put the 5 iron back in my bag, and take a few second to enjoy the view. Now it’s time to walk to the green and think about my putt on the way. Dang, I love this game!
So I must agree with my FB friend. There is no substitute for the flow of the pen across smooth white paper or the feeling of walking the back nine on a beautiful Spring day.
Steve Haberly
Next week: The electronicdisconnect or why Millenials struggle with connecction.
I discovered something years ago as I swam the shark infested waters of my relationship with my sister. I’d like to share this observation with you in hopes you too, can avoid getting eaten. Before I explain what I discovered, I should give you a little information about the relationship my sister and I developed over the years. First, I must tell you she passed away this last year and it was a sad day, indeed. No matter how controversial our relationship was at times, I loved her dearly. In fact, I called her every morning before I drove to work and most everyday as I drove home.
My sister and I were very different in many ways, but the same in others. She was a liberal socialist that believed all the money should be divided evenly between everybody no matter what job you had or how hard you worked. Well, that wasn’t exactly her stance, but it’s in the ball park. On the other hand, I am a conservative capitalist that believes it is our responsibility to help those less fortunate but compensation should match effort and impact of the work done.
We also found ourselves at odds on many other things. She was adamant about women’s rights, while I liked to focus on the rights of all people: men, women, children, the elderly and the unborn. I think it goes like this: Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Don’t they call it the Bill of Rights? We also disagreed on religion and government.
So what did we have in common? It’s simple. We loved each other. So since we had so much territory for disagreement, how did we talk so often with only minor problems? That’s a great question so let me explain.
You would think that we must have limited the areas that could be considered open for discussion. You would be wrong. All topics were fair game, but there were rules of engagement. First, every call started with topics that were not controversial and allowed us to warm up before we opened up. Our favorite topic was the weather. “It’s hot here today in Texas,” I would say. “Hot here in Oklahoma as well,” she would respond. You can’t get in trouble starting with the weather. We can’t control it but we can sure complain about it.
Next, she would ask about my family after which I would ask about hers. It let me practice my active listening skills. Just about now things would always turn a little more serious. So what would that be? Politics! I won’t tell you which side I would take, but you can probably guess. She saw the world in a completely different way than did I. She owned her own business in crime prevention and later was a counselor at a prison pre-release center. She was a first responder for rape victims in her town and held group sessions for pre-release inmates.
If God keeps track of the good you do, he had to get extra paper for my sister’s unselfish acts. I on the other hand, am a singer/song writer/dreamer turned businessman by necessity. A successful businessman by the way, so my view of the elephant was completely different than hers. So, to have successful discussions about anything other than the weather, we had to establish rules.
First Rule: either party had the right to call timeout. It had to be accepted by the other partner, no matter what. This usually occurred when the conversation became just too emotional and crossed over the line from helpful to hurtful.
Second Rule: the person calling time out should pick a future time to continue the conversation and that was what usually happened. However, sometimes the topic was too much for us to handle in a gentle manner and was postponed indefinitely. This happened rarely, but it did happen. Abortion was one of those topics. It was just too emotional for us to speak about without damaging our relationship.
Third Rule: when she told me about a problem she was having, I often offered advice. This almost always ended the meaningful part of the conversation. One day my wife gave me the book, MenarefromMarsandWomenarefromVenus. I wish I had read this 20 years sooner. But it wasn’t too late for me to change. So I did. When my sister would tell me about a problem she was having, I followed these rules and it worked.
⚪ Listen
⚪ Support her feeling of frustration
⚪ Assure her that she would come up with the correct answer, as she had many times before when faced with tough decisions
⚪ Only offer advice when specifically asked for advice
Fourth Rule: the red card disconnect. Here’s how it works. I want you to think of a soccer player (European football). The player is in the middle of the field surrounded by a few other players, but mostly open spaces. The game is being played fairly with no obvious fouls and you are only thinking about playing A game. Then it happens, you turn to tackle the ball away from a competitor and trip him instead. The referee is sure you did it on purpose and up comes the yellow card. You put your face in both hands, and raise them to the sky, proclaiming your innocence, but to no avail. You’re marked as an offender. You’re now being watched and many believe getting the red card is just a matter of time. Every mistake you make is magnified, with no tolerance or understanding that you’re only human.
At every turn the red card is just one misstep away. Why are they looking at you so differently than before? Because your offense has disconnected you from the mainstream. Just make the slightest mistake and you’ll be dismissed from the field of play. As an offender, you never gets the benefit of the doubt.
Now think about a relationship. When you are connected you can make a few minor missteps, but because of your connection, all is forgiven. Your words aren’t misinterpreted and you’re given the benefit of the doubt. You are, by the way, human and humans are not infallible. There is no ill intent driving the behavior and therefore no future bad behavior should be expected. But what if you already had a yellow card? What if the connection was already in jeopardy? If you and your partner or even you and your customer aren’t close, every word is suspect.
When you are disconnected, every mistake is magnified. Here’s what happens. The slightest misstep, the most innocent comment, a glance away or a shrug of the shoulders and you guessed it, the red card. You’re dismissed from the field. I know relationships that are played like this and I bet you do, too. These relationships are almost broken and just one foul away from the red card. Don’t let this happen to you.
Most Important Rule: don’t let the disconnect linger or minor offenses will be perceived as flagrant fouls and the red card isn’t far behind. Fix that small disconnect now.
Steve Haberly
Next week find out how to use the dying art of the handwritten word to stay connected or reconnect.
Too much, maybe, but you get the point. If she really cares about you then she wants to be beautiful in your eyes. If he really cares about you, he wants to be strong and capable in your eyes. If your words and actions tell her she’s beautiful and desirable, then she will be. If your words and actions tell him he’s a giant in your eyes, he will be.
We know the world can be very cruel. When worldly beauty fades, the eyes of those strangers will turn away and search for beauty in someone else. The same is true for his confidence and self worth.
It might even have been her favorite band and not yours. Now that’s a real selfless gift. But was it really selfless? I don’t think so. What did you get in return? You kept the magic alive. 
you dropped clues to where that night’s date would be? You were deliciously unpredictable and that was part of your charm. Ladies, when was the last time you wrote I Love You with lipstick on the bathroom mirror? 
The second is Philia, commonly called brotherly love; a relationship based on trust, dependability, and friendship. Psychology Today mentions that Philia, born from Eros, in turn feeds back to Eros, strengthening each. Friends are able to live fuller lives by teaching and supporting each other.
I had a friend once that told me he felt stuck. He had been in his current job for 5 years and his performance had never been more than average. That could also be said for his compensation. When he joined the company the sales job looked really exciting and the compensation seemed unlimited. Others around him were progressing nicely in both title and money, but not my friend. He wasn’t the type to judge his success by his pay, but it would sure be nice if he could earn Just a little more Wealth. He thought he might be more successful if his manager spent a little more time with him or if the products were a little more unique, or if the customers were a little more accepting. Before achieving success he needed to take responsibility and quit blaming others for his mediocre results. 
One day I was in his office, peering over his shoulder as he examined a spreadsheet. After a few minutes, I asked, “What are you looking at?”
I’ve found the thing most people fear is the unknown. We know a lot about the past. The past is the past and it has one purpose: to learn from. It can be a heavy weight to carry, but can be valuable if we learn from our past mistakes. The next step is to let go of the past. Learn and then move on. We know a little about the present. The present is the moment in which we are living. Cherish every moment for we don’t pass this way again. But what do we know about the future? The future is right around the corner and just over the hill. We can’t control it and we don’t know what it holds. We fear that which is unseen.
Some of the richest men I’ve ever known never really enjoyed the full measure of their wealth. They worked really hard and pushed their minds and bodies to the limit. They had reached a point in life where their poor health, not money, was the limiting factor. Money means nothing in the end without good health.
Get moving: stretch and exercise 30 minutes every day. Enjoy the rush.
Don’t smoke. Don’t poison your body.
Wear sunscreen. Don’t destroy your skin.
Manage stress. Don’t worry so much.
Who Pays the Taxes?
Through the presidential primaries and even after the election was decided, I heard that small business in America was the driving force for new jobs. That’s so important because I believe that the answer to most problems in our country is jobs. Pure and simple. People who have jobs that allow them to support their families don’t have time to riot in the streets, break store windows and get pushed back by water cannons. Without jobs, the masses see no future. No way up or even out. Jobs bring pride in accomplishment. Hard work, whether mental or physical, can provide an outlet for creativity and invention. I believe most people want to work, but when there are no jobs, people are easily swayed and manipulated. In America we need more GOOD jobs.
About 10 years ago, I got a device that has changed my business and personal life, and not necessarily for the best. It was a BlackBerry cell phone. As I carried it in a holster that clipped over my belt, I suddenly felt armed and dangerous. I was connected 24/7 and somehow thought this would make me more productive. And maybe it did, in some ways.
One of my friends on Facebook voiced a concern that struck a chord with me. In fact, it opened up an area of much discussion recently. My FB friend asked this question, “Is writing a dying art?” First let’s define writing. If writing is pen in hand and ink to paper, maybe in some societies it is a dying art.
I ride my cart up the tee box and sit until the group before us has teed off. I step out of my cart and take the first few steps carefully, remembering my knees have been bent and now must get ready to carry my weight. The first steps are pretty stiff but things loosen up and now I’m standing on the tee, waiting. Sometimes I feel I spend more time waiting than doing. I guess golf is also a boot camp for patience training.
Now, rewind please. I carry my clubs from the last tee to the next. I look at the hole while I hold my bag beside me. The fairway is pretty wide but there is an out of bounds on the right. The left has only a short rough. If I hit there, I would still have an open shot to the green and the rough would be easy to hit from.
I discovered something years ago as I swam the shark infested waters of my relationship with my sister. I’d like to share this observation with you in hopes you too, can avoid getting eaten. Before I explain what I discovered, I should give you a little information about the relationship my sister and I developed over the years. First, I must tell you she passed away this last year and it was a sad day, indeed. No matter how controversial our relationship was at times, I loved her dearly. In fact, I called her every morning before I drove to work and most everyday as I drove home.
Fourth Rule: the red card disconnect. Here’s how it works. I want you to think of a soccer player (European football). The player is in the middle of the field surrounded by a few other players, but mostly open spaces. The game is being played fairly with no obvious fouls and you are only thinking about playing A game. Then it happens, you turn to tackle the ball away from a competitor and trip him instead. The referee is sure you did it on purpose and up comes the yellow card. You put your face in both hands, and raise them to the sky, proclaiming your innocence, but to no avail. You’re marked as an offender. You’re now being watched and many believe getting the red card is just a matter of time. Every mistake you make is magnified, with no tolerance or understanding that you’re only human.